I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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