A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
