I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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