Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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