If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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