oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
