is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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