cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish my penis had a tongue
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
