We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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