I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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