Umm I'm too high to move.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
