I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
