Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
