if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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