I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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