I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
