I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
