My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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