Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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