He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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