Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
