Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
