I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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