you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
