It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
