How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
