I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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