Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
