I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
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Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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