I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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