It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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