12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
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It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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