I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
