After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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