i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
