false alarm. still invincible.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
