Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My ass is underappreciated
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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