there's paper in my vomit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Are my feet made of real feet?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
