there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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