My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants