So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready