Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
