I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
this hospital has no fireball
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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