I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
