this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
