all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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