ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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