Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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