thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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