dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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