Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
bring money and cleavage
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Enjoy the penises
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
