I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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