Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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