I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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