i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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