how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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