You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You pole danced in your parka.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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