shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
